It doesn't really matter how much I've went through in life, or how heartbroken I was last month, or how much a happy soul I am right now, standing in front of life, I am a woman, and I am vulnerable. This time, every months.

I am happy. I am good. I have awesome girlfriends, I have 3 bitches who loves me at home. But this always swept me away and floats me in weakness submerged in unsound grieves. I am getting all upset and repugnance all by myself at absolute NOTHING. C'on give myself a grin right now; what am I doing? I would most prolly break out into tears the next moment not knowing what exactly had I wrenched my blood pump for.
I would think about everybody I once had. Think about moments I once had.  Think about who is this Brenda now I am taking to everyday in the bed, in the tub, under the shower, in the lift, on the train, on the bus, when I walk. Do I know her? Is that really her? Do you really her? Sometimes it gets creepy, and sometimes I feel nothing at all. I am strong. I can endure this pain. I am not falling into your trap. I am not becoming you chess piece. Are these real?
I am a woman, I am a girl. I need you to come take me. I need you to come hug me. I need you to be brave enough to fight through the wall of black roses and thorns. Because you are, the black will turn red, the thorns will turn blunt. They'll make way. They'll let you come through.

I am what you see. I am not who you see. I am not what you feel. I am who you feel.



;i am afraid


I met Landon yesterday. We had dinner. I like seeing him, but I just ain't not liking still, how he always reminds me of you. How he always talk about you like I want to know. He always thought I would but he is always wrong. Because I don't. I really rather I do not. 4 years. It's been 4 freaking long years. I've avoided for 4 years. I hope you well. I hope you happy. But please do not let me see it. Let me hide, be it for life. I would.

;i am afraid


This is exactly how I had felt for that once when I was in Tuck Lee. Useless. Hopeless. Helpless. Utterly helpless. I feel like I am nothing but just a let down to people who trust me; who had trusted me that I can do this. But I don't screw up big time once and for all you see. I screw up at all the little smaller incidents, and they stack on top of one another, and it just build up. Like a string of math equations with scientific logics, from an atom to a molecule and then it is now, a matter.

I can't take care of myself, and make sure that I don't walk and fall. Let alone take care of somebody else. It's even worse you are nobody but just a colleague. I'm not your nanny. Or rather, to be specific, I'm actually the youngest here in this office, just because I take care of operation, it in no sense implies that I take care of you too, sweethearts.
I just can't stop feeling inadequate. I am feeling so lousy. I ain't cut out for this.

I am the best person you can easily swish swosh swing your fault and blame to.

You took your suitcase, and I took the blame.

I am not a person who will explain myself when maligned, unless you mean a hell lot like a loved ones. I don't believe in explaining when you never intend to believe me. If you would, you'd never even accuse blindly or make me take that rake. I thought if i'm nice unlimitedly, I'd be loved and less misunderstood. But sometimes I don't know where to stand.

You know what? I'm actually very very afraid of all of you. I quit believing that you ppl will believe in me.


I had an interestingly incredible magical past week, and a weekend. My emotions were put to it's best test. I got the best awesome encounter, then a disappointment, followed closely by a surge of mixed feelings, then came another tsunami of heartfelt love and then a kick start to a brand new week with the lowest low.

" you had this amazing force that keep attracting people towards you. You make people want to be with you."

" You are glowing. Your happiness amaze me. I can't help but to look at you, and go on looking at you. Your gleam is contagious. I caught it and I'm now drawn to you.'

Seriouslly, are you trying to punish me lord? had I made it so easy for people to walk in and out of my life? Or are you showing me that there are exactly people out there who see me and and princess in me. who is gonna love me just because in their eyes I'm special. So I can now gracefully let go of this anchor that pulling me down. I can forget about people who is letting me down?

So what now. I dance in the rain? and just go on praying I meet one after another everyday, or wait for one that stay? 'cos none of these people is gonna make it a long long stay. They arent gonna make stay for me. They go away. They come once and then leave. then nv come back. You get me?


I am but a princess inside, waiting and needing for a prince to come save me. I am a big girl now. but I am but a child inside. dying to be loved and protected. I need to know in bad times like this I have a man whom I can always run to. I can cry and wail at, or punch and kick at. I can let it out like an explosion after a quake. But after it all, he will always hold me close and say "hey honey, its over now. Look. I'm here. you are beautiful and nothing harms you. I'm gonna taking it down, okay." I need him. Yes I need.
I don't want to be independent. I don't want to learn how to survive. I just need a person who I can rely, and like my gfs, who will always have my back.

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairytale. It isn't hollywood; this is a small town.

I'm feeling the blues overdose, and happiness on ecstacy; high and no more then again in an evil cycle. I am not getting all emotional over nothing. i'm just having a bad times inside. A big big fight and struggle I had to find an avenue to share it away, in hope I can lighten my load.

I followed the voice you think you gave to me, but now I'm gonna find my own.
I'm wishing you hope and happiness. and above all these, I'm wishing you love. And I'll a;ways love you, Bronda.

;i am afraid


I don't know if you still read this. I just had the urge to say, that I still think of you.
And I think I have this urge everyday.

;i am afraid


OMFG. it was so so too damn long when i was last here. I remembered I cant log in at all last year. it got me so freaking mad. Then eventually after a month or so of trying I gave up in despair. I left my blogspot untouched ever since.

;i am afraid


I am leading a very dry and monotonous life, non promising and not at all fulfilling, and not to mention the zero achievement. The best word you can ever use to describe it will nonetheless still be an understatement.
Am I exaggerating? No, I'm not.
If you think I'm for god sake having that awesome a life, that I'm so immensed in glorious moments throughout the day, then you are for goddess sake all wrong. BIG SIGH. I shall not deny the occurance of certain insane incidents, BUT, many are literally just I-N-S-A-N-E. I think I really have got nothing much to do I end up doing stuffs I can't very much asociate with. -.- That's why I bumped into so many familiar faces I thought I could have if not considered forgotten.
That's right, clubs. I've been showing up in club scenes, like amost every week, ever since april.

BUT OH C'ON. I CAN'T DANCE TO SAVE MY LIFE.
Yeah. So more often than not, I'd be just standing or sitting aroud with many good drinks, and of course good company. Then it brings me to my secondary point, none of this parties weren't fun. They were a blast! To name a good few, your highness birthday in Phuture, party with terr, Junhua and his comrades in Phuture, Junhua birthday in St James and definitely, Zirca and Rebel rackie-ing with Lun. Others are more St james parties, phuture parties and butter factory with the good 'ld fantabulous companies.
Everything in 2 months. -.-
Each and everyone of them were so so loved.


But then again, parties infested lifes can be pretty dry too. I WANT A MORE FULFILLING LIFE.




Special mention: LUN. just dance!
Angela. loves.
Geok. Double loves.
Blair. Oh this cutie, double double loves!


;i am afraid


April came and passed.
Happy month, it is. But then again, not quite so.

Yeye,
Its been one year since you are gone. Everybody in the house misses you. We are all doing fine, not to worry. One year felt so short; it swept by. I always hear your voice inside my head, when things go bad.
My birthday was a blast, yet a little solemn. We never forget you. I hope you love the cake. Wei's birthday is just around the corner. I don't know how are we going to make it best. Join us at the table, won't you? Then its all perfect. (:

I love you yeye. We all do.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY. (:

All in all, I think I had a good birthday. I fell in love with everybody that had made it happened.
All the tears are worth shed, just for each and everyone of you.

BIG HUGS.
<3

;i am afraid